How do you address unsubtle, negative feedback?

Have you ever had negative feedback? Do you take it well or do you actually get fed up with that unsubtle criticism? And do you bark at someone at such a moment or crawl into a shell? Often you react emotionally because this feedback is unexpected and vague. What is the best way to deal with it? With the tips in this blog, you can deal much better with feedback that is negative.

What is negative feedback?

Negative feedback is often given on a whim (emotion) and is generally vague. You interpret this in your own way and this makes you angry, sad or clammed up. Not good. Some examples of unfounded feedback?

• How careless you are (reproach)
• Told you so that this approach of yours doesn’t work (reproach)
• I think this should be better (vaguely).
• You did not conduct that meeting well (judgment).
• Etc etc etc

Can you stay in control?

Very difficult, of course, to stay “in control” in the face of unsubtle criticism. For example, your colleague tells you loudly, so that everyone hears, ‘that in your project a number of crucial elements are missing. And that you are responsible for that.’

assault on your self-control

Or your boss tells you delicately that “your contribution to the meeting is characterized by unwanted stumbles’. Just try to control your emotions. It is an attack on your self-confidence.

So it takes preparation to give a good response to this form of feedback. You should think of this preparation as a recipe of a tasty dish. Initially you have to read that recipe carefully every time. When you make the dish several times you no longer need that recipe because you know it by heart. This is the approach to unsubtle feedback or criticism.

1. Listen intently

Obviously, you understand that it’s wise to (continue to) listen carefully to the feedback given. You do not interrupt the person because you want to know exactly what it is about.

But what should you pay attention to while listening?

A. Is the feedback given an opinion or a fact

It is important to determine whether the feedback is fact or opinion. After all, it determines your response. For example, a fact is if there are things missing from your project proposal. An opinion, for example, is if someone thinks the meeting was not well run.

B. Is the feedback given accurate, precise and correct?

Perhaps it is comforting to realize that few people have learned to give effective feedback properly. It often comes out not that subtle. It’s nice, of course, if someone is skilled at giving feedback. It makes the recipient feel good and more accepting of the feedback.

What I often hear is this: “It was not about what he/she said, but the way it was said.”

OK, the feedback given was harsh and insensitive, but is the gist of the feedback correct? Of course it just might be, despite the fact that it comes off as somewhat clunky. If you keep listening carefully you will discover whether the feedback is accurate or not.

C. What’s the motive or intent of the feedback

As you listen, assess who the feedback is giving to you. Is it coming from someone you trust? Then you may need to pay serious attention to it. Is the feedback coming from a colleague who is trying to outdo you or dramatize the issue then you may still show your professional eye 🙂 Of course, you can take that feedback with a grain of salt.

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2. Don’t get too defensive

I can vividly imagine you wanting to defend yourself when you receive criticism that is inaccurate, belittling or just plain weird. Even if the facts aren’t correct, a response like “that’s not right” doesn’t really help.

Feeling attacked

It is somewhat in our genes to defend yourself against injustice. It works like this in your brain: We are more focused when listening on extracting inaccuracy or factual inaccuracies from the feedback. Our first primary reaction when listening is to contradict errors or to justify our actions. And thereby prove the other person wrong.

I remember coming home once and running into my three-year-old son in the hallway with his mouth, or rather his face from ear to ear, full of chocolate. I said to him that I didn’t like that he had nicked the chocolate that belonged to his little brother. To which he swore to me with an innocent look om his that he hadn’t, really dad!

Even if you find that the feedback is factually incorrect, it is better not to prove that this is the case immediately/immediately at that point. This is because it causes the conversation to go into the abyss.

You both ‘go knee-deep in concrete’ (resistance mode) and, at best, the infamous true/not true non-us game ensues. You shut down and in doing so you might miss relevant information hidden in the putrid feedback.

How can that be done better?

Keep listening to the other person without thinking about a possible response or reaction. Simply keep nodding your head until the other person has completely finished his or her story and that everything he or she wanted to say to you has been said. Do not give a counter-reaction but ask questions.

This helps keep the conversation going. For example, “I want to understand you well, is it true ……. By doing so, you give the other person an opportunity to clarify the vague feedback. Feel free to ask for examples to make the feedback even sharper for yourself.

3. Ask for time

In order for your response (especially with poorly worded feedback) to be constructive, it can be helpful to ask for some time. You can carefully consider what you want to do with the feedback. For example, speak a phrase like, “I appreciate your feedback. I want to think about it and get back to you. Is there anything else I should know?’

There are the following advantages in asking for some time:

1. You thereby indicate to the feedback giver that you take the feedback seriously
2. It allows you to test the feedback on accuracy and, if possible, test it with others.
3. Asking for time allows you to get the emotion out better. Feel free to tell the other person that you were somewhat caught off guard by the feedback and that you would like to think about it for a while before responding.

Become more resilient to negative feedback?

Would you like to become more resilient at work yourself? Then our 1-on-1 self-confidence course “boost your self-confidence in 40 days” might be for you.

Feel free to sleep on it

When you come back to the conversation in which you received the feedback (f.i. the next day), everyone has calmed down. You are more likely to get back and forth to explain what happened.

You feel better heard

You probably feel better heard both as the giver and the receiver of the feedback. Everything can be put into better perspective. That helps. I predict you (in 9 out of 10 cases) that there will probably be apologies back and forth for how the feedback was given.

Finally, choose to have no hard feelings about it. You realize that, in the heat of the moment, your colleague can come out wrong with unsubtle, negative feedback. It’s just like real life 🙂 Learn from your mistakes and just get on with what you are doing.