More assertive

How not to clam up during a conversation

Jolanda Meijer
by Jolanda Meijer
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You may hear something during a meeting that you don’t agree with at all. Do you then manage to assertively voice your opinion? And what’s it like when you receive criticism from your manager that is totally unjustified in your eyes? Do you then display the confident behavior you would like or do you just not succeed because at those moments you completely shut down and can’t really utter a word. Annoying of course that you clam up during a conversation. In retrospect, you know exactly what you all could have said or done ….

Do you want to know why you are blocking and want practical tips to solve it? This blog covers it all.

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Clam up during a conversation. How does that actually happen?

Let me begin to reassure you. That clamming up is an understandable reaction, so there is nothing wrong with you. Modern humans respond to threatening situations with a stress-response system that dates back to prehistoric times, when we had to survive as a species and responded to danger with fight, flight or freeze.

This is what your body does

Actually, a confrontation at work is rarely life-threatening but your anxious thoughts can lead to stress and cause one of the following survival mechanisms to kick in:

  1. Fighting – You feel attacked, fold your arms and counterattack
  2. Fleeing – You are afraid, feel unsafe, make yourself very small and prefer to run away
  3. Freezing – You crawl into your shell, unable to think clearly or say anything meaningful

Shutting down under stress

If you often shut down, freezing may be your usual – often unconscious – response to stress. This is very inconvenient at work because at such times you completely block out and sit motionless in your chair or stand grounded. It feels like your head is empty and everything you learned as a professional about assertiveness and feedback fades into the background.

Well, now you know how it comes about, but what can you do about it?

This works well for shutting down: defrost

Get moving

As soon as you are in danger of freezing, it is good to get moving. If you are in a meeting, you can already thaw out by sitting back to distance yourself, but you can also get up to grab some water, for example. Through movement, you counteract rigidity and distance yourself from the situation. This will help you organize your thoughts and curb your emotions.

Get in the helicopter

Another way of distancing and defrosting is to imagine sitting in a helicopter, looking at the situation from above and determining what is actually going on. Ask yourself questions like, “Why do I see this as a threat?” or “Are my anxious thoughts correct? And can I turn those into helpful thoughts.

Smile to yourself

If you can’t get your thoughts in order, accept that you just don’t know for a while. That can happen, you’re only human too. Try to put it into perspective by saying to yourself, ‘Gee, look at me, I just don’t remember it for a while. Who would have thought? Smile at the idea that this can therefore happen to the best of us.

(Blog continues after photo)

shutting down during conversation
‘Smile to yourself when things don’t quite go your way’

Is it true what you think?

Stepping back also helps to determine if your feelings are justified in this situation or if they are the result of a number of mental concoctions running through your head at that moment?

For example, “Oh dear, I must have done it wrong again!”, “They will have my my head for this, I might get fired!” or “Who does she think she is to address me this way, it’s not fair because she doesn’t do anything herself!

How to better control your emotions

When a colleague or your boss criticizes you, sometimes even gives negative feedback and you feel attacked by it. It’s natural to get emotional in that situation. Feelings of anger, sadness or injustice may take over. You don’t know whether to burst into tears or tell the other person the truth in a big way.

Connect

At such times, connect to your body for a moment by placing your hand on your chest, for example. You may feel your heart beating, a tightly clenched throat or restlessness in your stomach. Which emotion predominates? Are you afraid, angry or sad?

Get moving and feel free to drop a silence to give yourself time to thaw out. Phrases you can say to give yourself time and let your intense emotion subside are:

  • ‘I don’t know what to say for a moment’ or
  • ‘I don’t have an answer to that right now, I’ll get back to you.’

Do you especially feel the fear? This is how you deal with it.

You now know that it is usually not the situation that makes you anxious but all kinds of thoughts that come to mind. Often these turn out not to be true at all but it is understandable that they pass.

Accepting some fear

Just accept that you feel some anxiety but don’t let your thoughts run away with you and don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. Remain in the here and now and determine what it is better to think or say to yourself in this situation.

Practice makes perfect

Train yourself not to freeze in stressful situations by forming new thoughts and opinions that cause you to be brave instead of fearful. This way you reduce the chances of shutting down when stressed. This bravery allows you to better stand up for yourself. It helps if you believe you have the right to:

  • to be treated with respect
  • Standing up for your interests and priorities
  • saying no without feeling guilty
  • make rookie mistakes
  • not to take over others’ problems
  • asking for what you want
  • to be independent

Writing down helps a lot

Write down for yourself what thoughts and opinions will help you to be brave and confront them from now on.

For example, a thought that can make you anxious is, “Oh no way, I must have done it wrong again! If you believe that you have the right to make (rookie) mistakes, you can say to yourself, “It is possible that I made a mistake, which is very annoying but also human.

Let me examine what didn’t go well and how I can avoid it next time. If you are not so concerned about the possible reactions of others, you can respond neutrally to the feedback you receive and have a good conversation.

Stop mind reading

This is perhaps the most important tip. Without noticing, maybe you are constantly thinking about how the other person will react to what you want to say. Potentially, we often avoid saying what is on our minds because we fear the reaction it will provoke.

For example, “If I say that to my boss, he’ll be furious and we’ll have another fight” or “What will they think of me if I do that?”.

People are mostly concerned with themselves and not with you

To avoid imagining all kinds of disaster scenarios in your mind that block you, when in doubt it is better to check what someone else thinks instead of filling in the blanks yourself.

In fact, in reality, it turns out to be not that big of a deal what another person thinks about you or what he thinks of your behavior. And you may find it disappointing, but most people are mostly concerned with themselves and not you!

Do you want to learn to clam up less and become more assertive in that? Then our 1-on-1 assertiveness training “in 40 days more assertive” is for you.

Try to practice these tips as much as possible to make sure you have enough ‘antifreeze’ available if you find yourself in a tricky situation again. I’m sure you’ll then have less trouble to clam up during a conversation because you’ll have better control of your emotions.

Free introductory call,

Run into a lack of assertiveness or self-confidence?

Want to get rid of that, once and for all? Then my 1-on-1 coach approach is really something for you. Lets get acquainted first, no strings attached. See if we have a 'click' and if I can help you.

> Schedule your free call now

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