three simple steps to assertively set your boundaries

Sooner or later, you will find yourself in a situation at work where your assertiveness is called upon. A disagreement (or sometimes a conflict) may not be much fun, but it’s also something natural. You want to defend something you care about, and that can be exciting for you. Do you want to become more assertive? Then the recipe in this blog is really for you.

Many professionals wish that, in tense situations, they could speak up at exactly the right time and set their boundaries. They want their feedback to come out right with respect for the other person. But how do you do that?

Being assertive? Easy peezy (but not really)

Only In a perfect world, of course, being assertive is easy peezy. You finally could tell that colleague who keeps interrupting you, how annoying that is for you. You’d want to tell him plain and simple how you feel about it. All your frustration, which you have been building up for months, out in one fell swoop. Wonderful right? Finally telling your colleague that has been bothering you so terribly all this time.

However, in the real world ….

In the real world, of course, being assertive is much harder. Especially if you are somewhat introverted, perhaps shy or lacking self-confidence. You don’t want your assertiveness to come across as “pushy” or perhaps aggressive. That, of course, is the last thing you want. Especially if you don’t particularly enjoy engaging in conflict.

Being assertive probably feels unnatural and awkward to you. So what do you do? Sulk a little indirectly, at home to your partner or to that nice colleague who understands you. Or you clam up.

Assertiveness exercises

But not to worry: there is hope for the chronically sub-assertive among us. Making yourself heard at the right time is certainly learnable. You can do so with the help of a good ‘recipe’. It doesn’t seem that natural but if you want to learn something you have to practice assertiveness at work. here’s the recipe:

Recipe for becoming more assertive

1. Brief objective statement

Begin with a brief, objective statement about the other person’s behavior. What would you like to see change?

For example:

• If you interrupt me during the meeting …..
• If you take all the credit for the work we did together ….

Your statement should be brief, get to the point and be delivered without emotion. This approach has three main advantages:

• You attract the other person’s attention.
• By talking about yourself you minimize defensive behavior
• The other person has no opportunities to disagree. After all, it is about you.

2. Describe the effect

Describe the negative effect this behavior has on you. Explain why the other person’s behavior is causing a problem.

For example:

• ‘If you interrupt me during the meeting ….. I won’t get a chance to tell you what my opinion is.’
• ‘If you take all the credit for the work we did together …. Then I can’t make clear what my contribution has been.

The purpose of this step is to clarify the cause and effect of the other person’s behavior. You connect something objective to the impact it has on you.

3. Close with emotion and feeling

You conclude your recipe with the following; You not only indicate what the impact was of his or her actions. You also indicate that you were touched, that your feelings were hurt. For example, by indicating that you feel yourself “undervalued” by the action or that you feel yourself ‘put away’.

It may feel a little “over the top” to say something about your feelings. Yet it is an important and not to be underestimated aspect of your assertiveness. This is because it’s very difficult for your interlocutor to question or refute someone’s feelings. This makes it very powerful in your communication.

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Fine to prepare

A well-crafted feedback message is obviously worth its weight in gold (as opposed to negative feedback). Especially if you dare to say it at exactly the right time. It takes some experience and guts to do this spontaneously. It is therefore not at all bad to prepare and practice your message to perfection at home.

Extra: is there a pattern?

Admittedly, even with a golden formula in your hand, becoming more assertive is not always easy. It’s certainly possible that the recipient of feedback may react negatively to you. Be prepared for that by responding calmly, quietly and confidently.

You can do that by pointing out the pattern you see. Your colleague ‘s annoying behavior has probably happened before. By naming this you reinforce your feedback. It makes it harder for your interlocutor to contradict it.

Tip: deploy this only if your interlocutor remains stubbornly defiant. So it’s an additional means of reinforcing your feedback.

In brief

Your own formula make yourself

Your own golden formula for feedback is something you make yourself. You make sure it’s ‘sound like you’. It’s important that you feel comfortable saying it. It should fit you like a glove. If it doesn’t then the chances of you saying it are slim. So the more personal you make the message the more likely it is to happen.

Is it time for you to better express your boundaries? Maybe our 1-on-1 assertiveness training “In 40 days more assertive” is for you.

Standing up for yourself and becoming more assertive is and remains a difficult issue for many people. Unfortunately, I cannot guarantee success. Maybe your interlocutor will respond positively right away but it could just as easily go the other way. Then know that it’s personal gain if you just have the courage to say it. In any case, I’m proud of you if you do!