Help, how do I address my lack of empathy?

Do you often misunderstand how your colleague feels, causing you to just “miss the mark” in your response? Do the other person’s emotions escape you? Good chance you lack some empathy. In this blog, I’ll explain how empathy works and how you can easily increase your empathy.

Let’s start with the good news: everyone has empathy and can show empathy. However, you may not use it in work (yet). You can learn simply by being more assertive in this area.

What is empathy?

Empathy meaning

What can you do with it?

Empathy helps you better recognize when “something is going on” with someone close to you. For example, whether someone is frustrated or irritated. In addition, you’re also able to give the right response at such a time. Empathy allows you to build good relationships with the people and colleagues around you, which in all cases works to your mutual benefit. It creates a more pleasant working atmosphere.

You can read others well

If you are empathetic at work you can easily read between the lines. You notice the gray areas within a discussion or feel an unspoken tension or discomfort within meetings. Your ability to read the feelings of others is an important skill in negotiations.

You notice this having little empathy

If you show little empathy then you probably find it difficult to consistently “put yourself in someone’s shoes,” especially when your own view of something is very different. Usually you stay at a distance and this can be at the expense of establishing (collaborative) relationships.

If you underuse empathy:

• Make decisions based on facts rather than the feelings or reactions of others.
• Run the risk of “misreading” the thoughts or emotions of others.
• It can be difficult to articulate the other person’s perspective.
• The emotions of others escape you, making you feel overwhelmed.

My colleague Bart Provoost explains what it means when there is too little empathy.

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Characteristics of empathy

8 characteristics of high empathy

Now what can you tell if you have high empathy? These are 4 characteristics:

• You always have an “antenna” for / you can easily imagine how others feel.
• You are involved with others and consider their feelings before taking action.
• You respect another person’s feelings and do not try to change them
• You can easily imagine the other person’s emotional reaction.
• You actively offer help
• You show genuine concern
• You avoid and do not judge or criticize another person’s feelings
• You listen attentively to the other person’s experiences

And in all of this, stay with yourself. You do not identify with the other person’s feelings

Disadvantages to excessive empathy

There certainly are! If you are too highly empathetic then you are actually a kind of emotional sponge. You tend to pick up emotions such as anger and fear from others easily. This can be detrimental when you need to keep a cool head or when a clear decision must be made via an objective stance.

Too much empathy can be exhausting

Too much empathy can be very exhausting (especially if you are highly sensitive or HSP). If you are always attuned to the emotions of colleagues, it is difficult to avoid becoming overloaded or overstimulated yourself. Whether good or bad, you feel everything, right down to your capillaries.

You yourself take too little notice

You will have to be able to handle all these different emotions. In short, you run the risk of not looking after yourself enough. This puts pressure on your own work because you are adapting, being submissive, exhibiting “please behavior” or putting yourself away. If you want to do something about this intuitively then you might consider SoulCollage.

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Increase empathy

in three steps

I’ll explain briefly all three.

1. Active listening

Active listening is about giving back what the other person has said, in your own words. Persons with great empathy can do this even if they disagree with what the speaker is saying. So listen more than you speak.

You can practice better listening in conversation by:

• Not referring to yourself.
• Not to interrupt the other person.
• Really listening (hearing what the other person is saying, rather than thinking about what you yourself are about to say).
• Continuing to question what the other person is telling you.

2. Increase the bond of trust

Increasing trust with someone else is done by becoming more social and connecting on a personal level. Perhaps a little trickier than good listening but just as important for a good working relationship. When you know your colleagues a little more personally you understand better what affects them emotionally and what their perspective is.

How to do that?

Ask about personal topics such as children, sports or current events. (PS: with genuine interest though, otherwise it’s a trick)

3. Speak the golden phrase

You ask about what’s going on, you don’t interrupt, nor do you immediately come up with solutions. In doing so, you try to fathom and understand the other person’s feelings. And when you have done all this and you have a good sense of what is on the other person’s mind, then you say to the other person:

‘I understand you/it’

Uttering this phrase (or a similar personal one that fits you better) will make your relationship with the people and colleagues around you a lot stronger, which is an important aspect of being collegial and assertive.

Exercises

Increase examples of empathy

Want to think a little further to increase your empathy? The questions below will enable you to develop your empathy yourself.

1. Can you give an example in which it was very important for you to understand how the other person felt? How did you convey this understanding? How did you make sure the other person understood you?
2. Can you describe a situation where you reacted a little less sensitively to someone’s feelings when in fact it would have been okay at that moment? What would you do differently now?
3. In your opinion, what is the difference between sympathy and empathy? How do you make sure you show the difference between the two?
4. Describe a situation in which it was difficult for you to make a decision because the outcome would (greatly) impact others. What was the result of your decision?

Do you not always understand your colleagues? Do you want to increase your empathy? With our 1-on-1 assertiveness training course “Becoming More Assertive in 40 Days,” we help you do just that.